In the end

This evening has been one of discovery. By being open for a few hours, I've found that there's likely not a beer style I can't like. Whether it be a sour, alt, IPA or smoked, there is a good example of it out there. All it takes is patience, dedication and a little luck to find something in any beer that anyone could like. You simply need be open and receptive to what could happen. I suppose that's a metaphor for life somehow. I don't know. I just need to sober up before my performance at the Denver Performing Arts Center.

Through H

We've decided to sit and have a tasting of all the 2011 gold medal winners. A mistake? Probably. A delicious mistake? Most definitely. I think I must have drunk at least 3000 gallons by now. The mind reels.

The wyrm turns

We've plowed through the list of must-trys. Well worth it. Right now, we're on a quest to try one beer from each section. We're at c. Sections go to s. Pray for us.

Abandoned

Caleb has left me stranded in the middle of a sea of beer. All I see now is desperation and lonliness. I pray I can find a drink soon. Also, this place is dyn-o-mite. There's so much good beer to be had. I've drunk some very respectable porters, a decent IPA or two (I know). And Caleb and I called a dude gay and made him laugh. I think this is what Heaven must look like.

Holy hell, at the GABF!!!

We are half an hour in, and the fear has taken hold. Thousands of mindless drunks wandering the cavernous space with commerotive plastic cups held out in front of them like a better with a tin can. The horror... The horror. Actually, this is amazing. Best beer so far is the Firing Squad from Alpine out of San Diego. Slightly tipsy. Yearning for more

Go now!

Stop whatever you're doing, drive to San Deigo, go to Alpine brewery, and drink the Firing sQuad Belgian quad. You can give me a hand jobber when you get back.

We're in.

I've got a handful of Drake's Smoked Imperial Stout and it is the bomb ass.

Tickets in hand

We just met Lindsay and her husband. They were super cool, and not just because they gave us tickets. We'll be heading over as soon as I'm done with the fanciest pootine I've ever had.

How did this happen?

The backstory:
As you know, GABF sold out in record time this year. We were all sad we didn't get in, but your ol' buddy J wasn't taking it lying down. I thought to myself that there had to be some contests out there that would be giving away tickets. I turned to the google and they didn't let me down.
I found a Colorado band called Lost Caravan. Their lead singer, Lindsay Meredith, had bought 4 tickets to GABF and only needed 2. So, being super cool, she decided she'd give the extr pair away to someone on their mailing list. I went to their site lostcaravan.net, listened to some gypsy rock, signed up for the mailing list, and waited.
Last Thursday, they drew my name. Friday, I was informed of this fact and nearly defecated myself. Now, I am on my way to meet Lindsay, pick up our tickets and share our GABF journey with you, our beloved reader. Prepare yourself for a decent into madness. God help us all.

Oskar Blues. The finest Brewery that is not in Fort Collins

So J and I went to Oskar Blues Brewery on March 16th 2012.  Now you may be asking yourself why it has taken so long for me to put up my post on said trip.  The easy answer, is that I saved a busload of children from plummeting to their certain death by using my freakish strength to lift and throw the burning (did I mention that the bus was Burning?  It was burning.) bus away from the precipice.  In doing so, I quite badly burned the tips of all my typing fingers and could therefor not complete my post.  The truthful answer is: I'm slow and unmotivated at times.  I will endeavor to complete my tasks in a more timely fashion so I don't have to deal with the daily cries of frustration from my brew writing audience all yearning to lay their eyes on my eloquently hilarious dick jokes and occasional beer reviews.

The Tour
As J pointed out, I showed considerable foresight in preparing for this trip to Longmont (city slogan: We may suck, but at least there is good beer to help you forget).  I notified a nice young man named Garret a full 2 hours or so before we were going to head to his tasting Room.  While the dickbags at Left Hand and  Pumphouse did not respond, I heard back from Garret right away (5 bonus points).  He said that he would set up a private tour for us and told us to come by whenever.  Upon arrival, we were immediately asked if we would like a beer.  The lovely bar wench (that may be incorrect nomenclature) hinted strongly that we should try the Vanilla Oak Aged Chub.  Holy mother of fuck.  I will review this beer more later, but my exact first notes read as follows:  FUCK!!!! AMAZING!!!  It is remarkable that they gave us this beer for free because later on, J purchased 2 growlers of the elixir and I am fairly certain he put a 2nd, third, and fourth mortgage on his house to pay for them.  After a few free beers, we were introduced to Nate, who is one of the brewers.  Nate enjoys his work.  Nate enjoys his work more than a professor at the Learn To Give Better Blow Jobs Institute (shut up, I know it exists somewhere.  How else did J's mom get so good?).  Nate was quite enthusiastic about showing us the brewery and telling us about his job which made the experience all the better.  It was easily the best and most informative tour I have ever taken.   First, there were many shiny containers.

I assume there was some sort of beer in them.  Either that, or the most cleverly disguised meth operation in the world.  J and I asked Nate why in Gods holy name (which I assume is "God", it would be weird if his name was Ralph or something) so many IPAs tasted like flowery, bitter, cat pee.  He was actually informative about this and said that the flavor of hops is adapted to by our mouths so that brewers, who obviously are tasting hops quite a bit, are trying to get the same flavor in their mouths that they used to.  Apparently hops are like crack and brewers are dying for that first flowery hit.  So what tastes somewhat normal to them, comes off as worthless shit-water to normal people.  So to all you people out there that say we hate all IPAs (Jeremy Woodhams), it is clearly not our fault.  After walking around for a bit, he took us to my favorite room in the entire universe: The Cooler.  You know the scene in Half Baked when Thurgood walks in to the room that has all the weed stored and cums in his pants?  Well I did not do that, but only because I was with J and seeing him makes me not want to have sex until I can forget his face.  This usually takes 3-5 business days.  Take a look at it's splendor.

Good lord, that much beer could keep me busy for upwards of 9 days.  The other great part of this room is this is where they keep all the beers that get kicked off the canning line.  Their canning line is insane and there is a section that measures the amount of beer down to the trillionth of an ounce (that may not be right).  If a beer does not have enough in it, it gets kicked off and brought here to be given to the employees.  Nate, being the generous kind soul that he is, told us grab a few free beers if we wanted.  We were happy to comply with this request.  By now, I had already been to Lefthand and had a few beers in the tasting room and then had beers on the tour and was starting in on my first can of kicked off beer.  The rest of the tour has faded from my memory.  I remember seeing the canning line, hearing many wonderful facts about the brewery, and taking pictures with a random group of Asian people in the tasting room.  It a good thing I could still compose myself enough to write down my thoughts on the beer.
The Oskar Beers  (get it? Cause it's blue?)

 Dales Pale Ale  6.5% ABV
I fricken love this beer.  It is a bit hoppy but it is balanced so nicely that I really enjoy the flavor.  It has a very complex taste in your mouth and a almost bitter sweet aftertaste.  Dale certainly knew what he was doing with this one.  This beer first came to my attention when my cousin Amy's husband Thad asked me to send him out some to Nebraska with his inlaws because Nebraska sucks (duh) and does not get good beer.

Rating: 10/10

Mamma's little Yella Pils 6.5% ABV
I really like Pilsners.  I think I have said that before.  One thing I really like about them is that they do not usually sway to far from a traditional Pilsner flavor.  This beer proves all that wrong.  There is some classic Pilsner flavor but there is a bit more hops in the flavor and smell than normal.  It is a smooth easy drinker that I love despite it's deviation from the norm.

Rating: 8/10

First Random Quote: "Love places you can bring dogs.  Spiced peanuts"  No clue why those two thoughts were written together.

G'night Imperial Red 8.7% ABV
So I think I have officially become a red beer fan.  This beer was awesome and anyone who contributes to this blog and is named Jason and does not like this beer, is an idiot.  Best Red i have ever had.  It has an almost sweet smell and a hoppy taste and finish.  It is a very smooth and easy drinker though.  I could have lots and lots of this beer.

Rating: 10/10

Dry hoped Deviant Dales Pale Ale 8% ABV
This was the kicked off the canning line beer.  I carefully selected this beer based on it being in a larger can than the other free beers.  I am not sure what using dry hopps does to a beer as opposed to fresh ones.  Either way, this tasted like an ramped up Dales Pale Ale, which is probably what they were going for.  I did enjoy it, but the hops were a bit much.  As a bonus, J asked me to hold his can for him (gross), and I never gave it back to him later  MUahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Rating: 6/10

Gubna Imperial Ale 10% ABV
I think breweries are starting to make imperial beers as sort of a pissing contest wit one another.  One brewery makes a 9.7% so another makes a 10%.  Sooner or later we are going to end up with an Everclear beer.  I will say that this was a pretty good beer though.  It was fairly  malty with some bitter undertones.  Pleasant aftertaste and a nice subdues carbonation.

Rating: 7/10

Old Chub Scotch Ale 8%
Before I had ever tried this beer I thought it was funny because my friend Kim is married to a slightly older fella named Jim.  So we used to call his penis Old Chub.  We are quite hilarious and mature.  I am glad I decided to use this beer for more than obvious dick jokes though.  This is an amazing beer.  When I first tried it, I must have been delirious because I did not care for it.  I was an idiot, this beer rocks.

Rating: 10/10

Tenfidy Stout 10.5% ABV
Classic Stout flavor and carbonation.  Hints of chocolate.  Everything you would expect from a good stout.  Not overwhelmingly good, but a strong and drinkable stout.  Well done but it gets lost in a lot of other stouts I have had that taste a lot like it.

Rating: 6/10

Vanilla Oak Aged Chub
If I gave the Old Chub a 10/10, what do I do with this?  I can't easily put into words how amazing this beer was.  It is easily the best beer I have ever had.  For the amount i have sampled, to have a beer that far and away stands above the rest is pretty remarkable.  Whoever invented this beer should have, at minimum, a statue put in front of every brewery in the USA.  Fuck me sideways, this one was brilliant.

Rating: 104/10  (104!) (only J will get that joke so don't feel bad)

So that does it for Oskar Blues.  They have had the highest average score of any brewery I have reviewed.  I said earlier that I was looking for a place that could compete with New Belgium and I found it.  I still like New Belgium better, but Oskar Blues and their awesome staff have let me know that there are other great places out there.  My next review will come more quickly, I swear it will be done.
Stay Classy San Diego 

Oskar Blues / Pumphouse (Jason's Double Take)

Location: 1800 Pike Rd, Unit B
Longmont, Colorado 80501

Website: www.oskarblues.com

After a slight delay, we're back with a very special double episode of J and Caleb drink beers and belittle people and things. This time, we visited Oskar Blues and, in a stroke of genius and / or acting like normal people, we (Caleb) planned ahead and wrote to the brewery, warning them of our imminent arrival and the star power that we would be bringing. Once they swallowed their awe and fear of us, they agreed to give us a special tour of the brewery. Our intrepid guide on this tour was Nate. Nate was cool. Nate loves his job and loves his brewery. He also gave us beers to take on the tour with us and gave us beers halfway through the tour. I didn't take notes or anything, but here are highlights. First, I think OB has a great attitude for a beer maker. Maybe not everyone at the brewery is as excited about their jobs as Nate is, but I'd like to believe they are. They seem to be willing to do new things and see how they work out. And they have fun doing it. It seems like it would be a great place to work for. Now, if they only needed someone to either program stuff or tell them about Asian religions, I would be in like Flynn.

Next, according to the picture above, Oskar Blues puts their beer into tanks. I think every brewer does this, but they had some shiny ass tanks. Also, OB claims to be the first US craft brewer to can. I have no way of verifying this information, so I'm just going to assume that it's true.
OB has a storage room where they keep upside down cans of beer that employees/people on tours can take for free. It looks like this:

That's Nate in the red shirt. In the gold shirt is a giant stack of beer cans. In the brown shirt is...wait...no, that's a box. Sorry. Also in the cold room is a jar of hops that smells like weed. I believe they'll be using it in a beer, but just smelling it made me forget which beer. It also made me want KFC dipped in chocolate.

Outside the canning room is a sign that shows political awareness and levity at the same time. They have fun. (Not shown: picture of Big Brother telling workers that time off for missing limbs will cut into vacation time [because that sign didn't exist]).
Finally, we got to see the canning line, which wasn't running at the time, but was certainly made at Ikea and, therefore, assembled with an allen wrench and much cursing.

That baby is capable of filling 300 cans a minute. THREE HUNDRED in a MINUTE! Can you do that? No, you cannot. Why not? Because you're not a machine. And you're not Swedish. And you have no umlauts in your name. I'm sorry I had to break it to you this way.
Aw...come on, I'm sorry baby. Come back. I got you this picture of Kevin Nealon eating a cake Ike Turner made for him:

 Look at the picture! LOOK AT THE PICTURE!!!!!
Aw...come on, I'm sorry baby. I don't mean to hurt you like that. I just love you so much. I can change, baby. I can tell you about

The Beers:

Cost: $9 for seven 4 oz. samplers. If you sweet talk them, and show a little leg, they might give you 8.

1. Mama's Little Yella Pils (5.3% ABV)

This one was a little stronger than your average pilsner. It's still mostly light, but has a very strong citrus flavor. It's a little more malty than I would expect in this style and borders on peppery in the after taste. I could see drinking this from the can while sitting in a kiddie pool in the back yard at 1:30 on a Thursday afternoon.

Rating: 7/10

2. Dale's Pale Ale (6.5% ABV)

Now, I like rhyming names as much as the next guy, but I can't judge beers on the name alone. If I could, I would make a ton of money in marketing. Also, I would have no soul. The DPA is the flagship beer of OB. It's really got the character of their beer down. That character is hoppy. They love their hops at Oskar Blues. If you're a total hop head, I think you would love this place. Me, I'm not so sold on the Dale's. I think the hops and bitterness really outweigh the malt flavor of this one.

Rating: 4/10

3. G'Kight Imperial Red (8.7% ABV)

This is a tribute beer to one Gordon Knight. He's apparently the beer mentor of Dale, owner of Oskar Blues, and was a huge name in home brewing in Colorado. Sadly, he perished in a plane crash. So, as tribute, Dale made this beer. I don't know what kind of beers Mr. Knight liked, but I hope he would like this one. I didn't, but I really hope he would. This was a very aggressive and very hoppy red. I often look for more malty reds, but this was like a very strong pale ale. I didn't care for it.

Rating: 1/10

4. Dry Hopped Deviant Dale's IPA (Don't remember the ABV. It was a lot)

This one started out bitter, and then grew to be more bitter. That growth was pretty slow, though, and gave me time to get used to it. I still thought it was overly bitter, but it did have good potential. I could see where IPA drinkers would like this. If you like bitter, hoppy beer, this one's for you. It's not for me.

Rating: 6/10

5. Gubna IPA

This one has a very full mouth feel for an IPA. I've grown used to these brews hitting the high notes with the hops and then coating the back of my tongue with bitterness, but this one filled out with the maltiness well, too. I think it makes an attempt at balance, but at a whopping 100 IBUs, it's going to take a lot to get there, and I don't think this one quite accomplished it.

Rating: 3/10

6. Old Chubb Scotch Ale (8% ABV)

Old Chubb is the second scotch ale that I've ever had, so I don't know how well it represents the style and I can't judge it on that. I just have to go for straight taste. And the thing is, I loves me some Old Chubb. It's malty, bright and simply dreamy. If you drink it as your first beer, it can be pretty boozey, but it's got some great smoky depth and coppery overtones. I will judge all scotch ales with this as the bench mark.

Rating: 9/10

7. TenFidy Imperial Stout (10.5% ABV)

This was a heavy, very hoppy stout. Yes, you see the theme. Oskar Blues makes hoppy beers. Congratulations. Now can I carry on? Thank you. Under the hops here were notes of coffee, toffee and a little licorice. It didn't have any bitterness, which I would have expected. It was somewhat smooth, but didn't have the stout heaviness.

Rating: 7/10

8. Vanilla Oak Aged Old Chubb

This is what they had in a firkin when we were there. It was a very small batch beer that was on a limited run. That means you should cry now because you won't be tasting this. I saw the brew master who made this pouring himself one and I mouthed to him, "This is really good!" And he mouthed back, "I made this!" And then we high-fived. It was a very touching moment that I will think about on my death bed.
This one took all the best parts of beer and rootbeer and put them together in one glass. It was smooth and complex with strong vanilla flavor, but not sweet. I wish I could buy this in giant cans all the time.

Rating: 10/10

But wait, there's more!

Pumphouse

Location: 540 Main Street  Longmont, CO 80501
Website: www.pumphousebrewery.com

I'm just going to show you this picture here:

If you like malt soaked in sweaty socks, you'll love the Pumphouse. On the other hand, if you're in Longmont, you like beer, and you're sane, you should go to Lefthand or Oskar Blues. You'll be much better off.

Left Hand Brewery. Caleb's take.

So we move on to the Longmont Breweries. Longmont has always had a special place in my heart because it was always a town that would mark the point in my journey to Boulder where I would take my ecstasy so I would be rolling by the time I got to the Root. Ah memories... or lack there of. Despite some quality beers, I have had a fairly stupid grudge against Left Hand Brewing Company for two fairly stupid reasons.
Reason the First-The Logo
To me, this logo has always either needed fingernails, or palm lines. I understand the minimalist thing, but this could clearly be either a left or right hand depending on the point of view.
Reason the Second- I have never been a "switch hitter" if you catch my semen infused drift. I don't trust lefties. Never have, never will.

Random Left Hand Fact #1- 15% of people are left-handed, males are twice as likely to be left-handed.

This was not a favorite brewery (despite my love of Milk Stout). The guy who took our order was kind of dickish and said he would look for stickers and then promptly forgot about us. Unlike the wonderful people at Oskar Blues (review next week). They did not respond to my email and have not since responded in the weeks tat passed. It's a good thing they have some good beers though.

Random Quote- "Fucking cunt brought delicious looking cupcakes and did not share" I said this after a lady at the table next to us brought a massive tray of cupcakes but did not share with the rest of the class.

In the spirit of the beers being reviewed
Left Hand Fact #2- left-handed people are three times as likely to become alcoholics.

400 Pound Monkey 6.8% ABV
Drawing upon my extensive watching of National Geographic videos that my grade school teachers put on when they were presumably too hung over to teach. I believed that there was no way a monkey could get to 400 pounds. An ape, sure. But no monkey. After pointlessly arguing this with J, I promptly forgot about it until now. Give me a second and I will see if I am an idiot or if J is an even bigger idiot than I had previously thought. Ah HAAAAAAAA. According to National Geographic's website, Howler Monkeys are the largest species of monkey and only get to around 22 pounds. 400 pound monkey my ass. The beer was pretty darn good though. A nice floral smell and a subtle fruity flavor. Not an overwhelming IPA. Good start to the tasting. Suck it J, suck it.

Rating: 8/10

Polestar Pilsner 5% ABV
I have become a fan of pilsners over the years. Besides the three day binge of drunken behavior, a good pilsner is a major reason for wanting to go to Germany for October Fest. The Left Hand pilsner did not disappoint. It was not a "wow" but pilsners seldom are. They are just good beers. This smelled and tasted like Germany, without all the shit-porn and old American bomb remnants.

Rating: 7/10

Random Left hand fact #3- Left-Handers reach puberty an average of 3-4 months after right-handers.

Fade To Black porter 7.2% ABV 1,984 Scoville Scale rating.
I'm not sure why they included the scoville units on this beer. The chili flavor last long enough for you to start to make a comment about it and before the words can leave your mouth, it's gone. This feels like a gimicky beer. Disappointing.

Rating: 5/10

Milk Stout 5.9% ABV (or I I like to call it, The Reason Left Hand Exists Beer)
I have been a HUGE Milk Stout fan for years. This is easily their best beer and it is in my top 5 of all time favorite beers. I went to Ft. Collins last weekend and was very happy when two of my good friends Leah Grossman and Erica Mather ordered a Milk Stout before I even advised them to. It is a very smooth and creamy stout. The flavors are subdued but balance very nicely. They do not over carbonate it so it goes down smoother than J's mom on a fireman's pole (levels to that joke). If you have not had it, go get one. Best stout I have had so far.

Rating: 10/10

Random Left Hand Fact #4- 3 of the last 5 presidents have been left-handed

Wake Up Dead Russian Imperial Stout 10.2% ABV Yowza!
This beer made me drunk just smelling it. I think they had to have a massive quantity of alcohol in this beer so Russians would confuse it for vodka. This had a licorice flavor to it that was not at all appealing. It was very bitter and harsh. I have no idea why they released this beer. It's like they made it and someone tried it and remarked that it was bad enough to "Wake up the Dead" and they could not let a good name pass. I'm fairly certain they called it Russian Imperial Stout because no one actually knows what Russian beer tastes like.

Rating: 3/10

Smoke Jumper Smoked Imperial Ale
As J pointed out, this beer clearly wished it was an Oscar Mayer wiener . That is what it truly would like to be. For if it was an Oscar Mayer Wiener, everyone would just eat it and not drink the fucking thing (kinda screwed up the rhythm to the song). This beer tasted like a New York hot dog vender poured his 5 day old left over hot dog water into the mixing tank. There are some beer flavors, but in the end, all you taste is lips and assholes. What further confused me was the name. Really? Smoke Jumper Ale? If there is one thing that I think people should do before hurling their bodies out of a plane and parachuting over a burning forest to then land and fight the fire, it's drink a lot of beer. Morons.

Rating: Kobayashi/10 (look it up if you don't get the joke)

So that does it for Left Hand. The leader in the clubhouse for hot dog flavored beer. Fairly disapointed in them because I love the Milk Stout so. Oh well. Next week, we review what is actually becoming my favorite brewery in Colorado... maybe not favorite, but it is giving New Belgium a run for their money. Oskar Blues. Easily our best tour and tasting yet. We will keep everyone updated as to our future travels. For now, take care of yourself, and each other.

LeftHand Brewing (Jason's Take)

Location:1265 Boston Ave Longmont CO 80025

Website: www.lefthandbrewing.com

The Story:
Despite growing up in Colorado and seeing Lefthand stickers on nearly every pickup truck and pickup truck with camper shells in the state, I had never really given Lefthand much consideration. I knew that they made beer, and I knew they were somewhere in Colorado. Until January of this year, that is the entirety of my knowledge of this brewery. However, last year I started working about a block from Lefthand and have since attended a couple of "company meetings" at this place. The first time I went, I had the Black Jack Porter, which is a damn fine beer. That is the most review you're going to get for it though. Why is that, you may ask. And the answer is because Lefthand hasn't had it available in the tasting room since GODDAMN JANUARY! I swing by every couple of weeks to check if they've got it, but the answer is always, ALWAYS no. How you not gonna have one of your "standard" brews available for 3 FREAKIN' MONTHS?!?! But I digress.

As I said, I work really near here, so I thought I would lure Caleb into my neck of the woods with the promise of beer. It's amazing what you can get that guy to do for a beer. Seriously, I once saw him stab a hippo in the eye for a Klondike bar, and he doesn't even like those. So you can imagine what he'll do for the ambrosia of the gods (hint: he would drive to Longmont). We hit three places on this day and Lefthand was the first. The last was your mom's house, but you knew that already.

The Beers:

Cost: $4 for four, 4 oz samplers of your choice. (That's the triple quadruple! Take that, Ice Cube).

1.Sawtooth Ale (4.8% ABV)

The description of this beer given by Lefthand is that it's a good "session" beer. I read that as a good "drinkin to get drunk and forget my myriad problems and either cry or get into a fight later" (or, "country song drinkin") beer. Though the name doesn't state it, this is listed as an English style ESB (Extra Special Bitter). This one is a very malty beer, but I find that flavor pleasant. The smell can be off putting, since it smells like an entire brewery fell into the glass, though. Upon drinking, it's got a crisp, bready mouth feel and a malty, smooth flavor that would make it good for heavy drinking, as long as you're not trying to get drunk off the good stuff.

Rating: 7/10

2. 400 lb Monkey (6.8% ABV)

I respect the idea behind this IPA. The statement of that idea is that Lefthand considers a lot of IPAs right now to be nothing more than a bunch of monkeys throwing hops into a pot, and, as you know, I have to agree with that assessment (excepting the lack of the words "cat" and "pee" anywhere in there). Lefthand wanted to make an IPA that was hoppy and bitter, but balanced. I can dig that. I also think they did quite well with this one. It starts with a very strong smell of flowers. Then this IPA continues with a strong, but not overpowering bitter hoppiness, with undertones of butter and daisies (yes, you read that right, shut up). The flavor fills out and mellows quite a bit after the first sip and becomes surprisingly drinkable I don't think it will be in my regular beer rotation, but the Monkey is a solid IPA that will not make me claw my eyes out if I see someone buying or consuming it.

Rating: 7/10

3. Wake Up Dead (10.2% ABV)

This one's the Lefthand Imperial Porter. Why an imperial porter? I dunno, maybe the Emperor needed someone to carry his bags aboard the train (crickets). Actually, in beer parlance, "imperial" means "extra booze" because the Russian Emperor was a huge drunk. After really enjoying their other porter, I was looking for a lot in this beer, and boy, was I ever disappointed. Firstly, it smells like paint thinner mixed with pool water. To follow on to that idea, the thing tastes like chocolate covered raisins that have been soaked in Everclear for the "Everything Looks Like Rabbit Poop" party down at the Kappa house. It's a very mediocre beer and frankly, if I had to choose between this beer and an ice pick in the head, it would be a tossup.

Rating: 4/10

4. Smoke Jumper (9.2% ABV)

What's the correct follow up to a mediocre, boozey imperial porter? Why a smoked imperial porter, of course. And this particular smoked imperial porter is worthy of a three step review.

Step one: All you need to know about Smoke Jumper in a single picture:

Step 2: Short, accurate review.

Smells like hot dogs. Tastes like hot dogs.

Step 3: Righteous Indignation

Seriously?! A hot dog beer?! I can't believe that there's a brewmaster behind the scenes at Lefthand who tasted this and was like, "Hmmm, hot dogs...fuck it! Bottle this shit up and ship it!" There has to be something I'm missing here. Is there a section of the population that's thinking, "I love drinking blended up hot dogs out of a glass. The only thing that could make that better is if, instead of it being a blended up hot dog, it were a beer, and that beer tasted like hot dogs. Boy, oh boy, what I wouldn't do to drink a nice tall glass of hot dog beer right about now..." It can't be. It just can't be. And yet it is.

I'm starting to really question the wisdom of the smoked beers. Maybe I just haven't tried the right one, but I've been underwhelmed with the quality of them so far. I'm not sure the smoking really adds anything to the beer, and it just makes the beer taste like food. Honestly, guys, if I want hot dogs, I can go buy hot dogs. It's not like I don't have hot dog money. There's really no need to cater to my hot dog cravings with a beer instead of hot dogs. I don't think we're really gaining anything there.

Rating: hot dog / 10

5. (not pictured) Polestar Pilsner (5% ABV)

Because I drank this immediately after the hot dog beer, my first reaction was that it would go well with hot dogs. The pilsner is a nice summer beer, and this was a nice, warm day. We sat outside in the sun and drank some beer and some hot dog, and this pilsner made a nice compliment to that. It was crisp and light with a slight bitterness to it.

Rating: 7/10

At this point, I saw yet another person bringing a baby into a brewery. Why do people keep bringing their babies to breweries?! Do they not know they can drink at home after the child goes to sleep?

6. (also not pictured) Fade to Black (vol. 3) (7.2% ABV, 1,984 Scoville units)

That's right, folks, Scoville Units. That's because this is a pepper porter. I forgot about that before I took a drink of this beer. Even the very sharp nose didn't serve to warn me that I was about to consume a pepper beer. Then I drank it, and it got hot, and then the hot went totally away before the beer had finished going down my throat. This was the third porter of the day, and it made me wish Lefthand stopped with all the "experimental" porters and went back to making the standard porter available. At least that one was good.

Rating: 5/10

On a side note, during this tasting, I half overheard the most hipster conversation about music I may ever witness in my life. It was pretentious and douchey, and contained the line, "I'm kind of angry with At The Drive-In right now."

Next up, Oskar Blues, where we took a tour and drank some vanilla beer. And then we wrestled a bear. Or did we? Stay tuned to find out. Good night, and good luck.

Lone Tree Brewing Caleb's Ramblings

So after a fairly mediocre showing by The Denver Beer Company, we decided to drive way the hell down to South Denver. You may be asking yourselves, Caleb and J, where did you get $240? Wait, scratch that. You are obviously asking why we drove that far South. The easy answer is that J is stupid. He needed to go to H Mart which is a huge Korean grocery store in South Denver. I can only assume that the "H" stands for "Fucking Hard For J To Remember Where It Is" because we drove around aimlessly for a fortnight or so before wisely deciding that this place would be easier to find after we had several more samplers of beer. So we went to Lone Tree Brewery. As J pointed out, there was a small forest outside of the "Lone Tree" establishment. My theory is that they named their brewery after a loner tree. A tree that refused to play by any of the normal tree rules. A tree named Johnny that smoked cigarettes and wore a black leather jacket and probably died when he crashed his chopper on dead mans curve. After several minutes of bashing the brewery for their name, we decided it may be a good idea to actually try their beer. I'm glad we did, even though their business model is obviously flawed in that there were no stickers. As J pointed out, we were helped by friendly staff that seemed interested in what we were doing. They made available free popcorn and chex mix which, as a fat guy, I was needing after our H Mart fiasco. We also met the head brewer named Jason who I assume got his ability to brew beer from his amazing beard. Much like Sampson in the bible got his strength from his hair. To boot, he recommended many other breweries in Colorado. He was so cool that we did not have the heart to tell him that we are going to hit all of them so suggestions on where to go were not really needed.
To make this review easier to read, I will refer to my friend and blogging partner as "J" (and in one case as "that fucker") and will refer to the head brewer of Lone Tree as "Jason"

The six Lone beers I tried

Black IPA 6.6% ABV
As you may have guessed using your keen detection skills, this was a really dark IPA. The smell had a nice floral hoppyness to it and not the "Oh god my taste buds are about to be assaulted" hops smell that some IPAs have. The flavor was clean and it was a surprisingly easy drinker for the whopping 80 Bitters that it had. This is what I mean when I say that there should be more to the flavor of an IPA than cramming as many hops into a beer as it will take before turning radioactive. Not the best IPA ever, but a solid one.

Rating: 7/10

Ariadne's Blonde 5.7% ABV
This was a nice clear blonde that was very easy to drink. Some very subtle bitterness to it but it was balanced very well. A nice clean finish and it tasted super extra double good with some chex mix thrown in after. I could drink this rapidly on a summer afternoon. One of the better blondes I have had... outside of my wife amIrite?

Rating: 8/10

Mountain Mammas Helles
For some reason, every time I hear the term "Mountain Mamma" (which is admittedly not that often) I think of Kathy Bates in Misery. Not exactly what you want to be thinking of when you are about to have a beer. I half expected her to run out calling me a dirty bird and hit me in the leg with a hammer. These are thoughts I normally save for my "alone time". What? Oh, right! The Beer! The beer was cloudy in taste in an unfiltered wheat sort of way. The flavor was a bit muddled though. I assume that Jason had trimmed his all powerful beard the morning that he made this one because it was the only beer I did not really care for.

Rating: 5/10

Toots oatmeal Stout 5.2% ABV
Did J already make a fart joke about this one? He did? Fuck. I really gotta start writing my reviews first again, that fucker is taking all the obvious and easily writable jokes. This was a very good beer. Hell, they could have named this beer "Sharts Oatmeal Stout" and it would still be on my list to buy... now that I think of it, I would actually be even more apt to buy that beer. It has a very smooth roasted caramel and subtle chocolate flavor to it that does not overwhelm you. The best oatmeal stout I have had as of yet.

Rating: 9/10

(Sigh) My Cherry Amour. Seemingly to 985th name pun beer.
Despite my hatred of name pun beers, I ordered this one. Why? So I can get an easy blog post out of it obviously. In case you have not noticed, my skills at tearing something down far exceed my ability to build something up. But, in a blatant attempt to derail my easy blog post, this beer was actually pretty good. The flavor of cherries was both a little sweet and a little sour. It reminded me a bit of the Transatlantic Kriek that New Belgium put out several years ago. It was not quite as tasty, but definitely enjoyable. A bit too acidic, but I finished the sample quickly.

Rating: 7/10

Hop Tree Double IPA 8% ABV
As J said, we were given this beer by Jason because he was as proud of this beer as J's dad was when J learned to not shit the bed at age 24. I actually went in preparing to lie to Jason because I rarely am a big fan of IPAs and he had been so cool to us that I did not want to break his heart and tell him his baby tasted like fresh cat urine. The lie was not needed though. Despite the very hoppy smell, it was really easy to drink and the hops did not overwhelm the flavor. It had a great amount of carbonation to it , a factor I am starting to pay more and more attention to.

Rating: 8/10

So that does it for Lone Tree Brewery. We had a lot of fun at this one and will totally make a point to go back and visit our new bearded friend. After our sampling, I got the bright idea to simply ask my phone where the god damned H Mart was. It led us directly to the store and J was finally able to pick up his large container of this
Yummy! Sooo worth the extended drive! After wading through the mass of people at the store, we had a lovely evening at Mike and Sabra Woodcock's house for dinner. I will try and keep everyone updated on where we will be going next. As always, thanks for reading. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Lone Tree Brewing Company (Jason's Take)

Location: 8200 Park Meadows Drive #8222  Lone Tree, CO

Website: lonetreebrewingco.com

The Story:  Look at that tasting room. Resting nobly in the shade of a single tree, the neon beckoning to us like the wine dark sea did to Odysseus. Until we rotated our heads a mere 5 degrees and spotted this:

As Caleb is demonstrating above, there is CLEARLY more than one tree here. There are at least three visible in this picture alone! Lord knows how many you will see If you were to turn the other way. I didn't try it because I have that weird disease where I can only turn one direction...what's that called? Oh yeah, only having one leg. This very obvious oversight in the naming/space acquiring process was already nagging at me as we entered the tasting room. Then, upon ordering our beers, we were informed that there were NO STICKERS to be had! Not that they ran out, but that they weren't in yet! Shenanigans, I say! For these two problems alone, I deducted four points from the brewery even before tasting the beer. Long time readers will know that we do not rate the breweries themselves on any sort of point scale, and so the deduction was largely ceremonial, but the intention was there. You hear that, Lone Tree? You're on notice!

So, we sat down, ordered our sampler from the following menu:

And set about drinkin and eating the free Chex mix (for which I awarded Lone Tree 3 points. That puts them down by one, for those keeping score). However, before the first sweet, sweet beery nectar touched our nearly virgin lips (or, in Caleb's case, not at all virgin lips), we met this gentleman:

I know what you're thinkin, but that's not Hagrid and he has NOT let himself go after the final movie. This is Jason (no, not me), and he's head brewer at Lone Tree. We sat and discussed beer and breweries with him the entire tasting. This guy is all the reason we got into doing this blog wrapped together. He's passionate about making good beers and having people drink the beer he makes. He obviously loves what he does and I thought it showed a lot in the beer that we drank. He was a super cool guy and really knew his beer. It made me want to like the beers more and I saw some (including the IPA) in a new light. He also had a great sense of humor, which is vital when trying to confront Caleb on any topic under the sun.

In talking with Jason, we found out that Lone Tree is a fairly new brewery. Jason's just about to quit his other job as a high school German teacher (I know, poor guy), to brew full time. Ya vol! The downside of being the new kid in town is that Lone Tree isn't bottling or canning yet. You can only get it in growlers at the tasting room or on tap at several places in South Denver. If you're down there, stop in and say you saw them here! They won't give you a sticker or anything, but at least they'll know who to blame when all the ruffians show up.

Because we were so involved in talking about beer, we forgot to take a picture of our samplers before we started drinking, so here's a picture that we threw together of some of the beer. It's not numbered because it's a sham. A sham, I tells ya!

With the catharsis of truth past me, I will now move on to the most important part of this blog:

The Beers:
Price: five 6 oz samplers of your choice for $8.

1. Ariadne's Blonde (5.7% ABV)
This one had a serious honey-like smell to it. It was a little sour at first, but that sourness blended well with the honey sweetness and a light bitterness to round it out. It had a full, grainy mouth feel to it that made the whole thing smooth and pleasant. Overall, it was a very solid blonde.

Rating: 8/10

2. Mountain Mama Helles (5.3% ABV)
This was certainly beer. It looks like beer, it tastes like beer, it even quacks like beer. Wait...that's not right. This was a fully, mealy beer that defies description. Seriously, just try to describe it. I'll wait. See? Couldn't do it, could you? The best I could do here was to say that it was a little malty, a little hoppy, but a good, drinkable beer.

Rating: 7/10

3. Toot's Full-Bodied Oatmeal Stout (5.2% ABV)
Ha ha! Toot! HA! Despite being named after a hilarious bodily process, this beer smelled and tasted nothing like used beans, thank goodness. In fact, it had a strong cinnamon and coffee nose to it, somewhat like a very strong cappuccino. But on drinking it...holy mother of shit! From the first sip, this beer is absolutely fantastic. It's malty, smoky, dark and amazing. I can't recommend this beer highly enough. LBT certainly has a beer they can "toot" their own horn about. See what I did there? Pretend you didn't, because I'm kind of ashamed of it.

Rating: 10/10

4. Puddle Jumper Pale Ale (5.7%)
Hoppy and sour. Too much of both. It was like a cat ate a grapefruit. I didn't find this one drinkable.

Rating: 1/10

5. Black IPA (6.6% ABV)
I got to thinking about this beer a couple days ago. It's a black pale ale. It's black, but a pale ale. Is it a regular pale ale in blackface, which is offensive? Is it the Michael Jackson of beers, which is also kind of offensive? Or is it something else? Some mysterious fourth dimension type beer that should only be served in a Klein bottle? (Here, I looked it up for you) I'm not sure of the answer to any of these questions except the first, which is "No, because that's offensive". This one had a much smoother start than I've grown to bracing myself for in an IPA, but the bitterness slowly ramps up as you swallow, ending in a strong bitterness. As you can see from the menu above, this bad boy has an 80 IBU rating, so you can guess at how bitter it gets (80. It gets 80 bitter). It doesn't kill with the bitterness, and it gets evenly spaced out, but it certainly crossed my threshold. I think regular IPA drinkers would like this beer, but it was a little too much for me.

Rating: 3/10

6. Hop Tree Double IPA (8% ABV)
I didn't originally order this one, but Jason was super proud of it, and insisted that we try it. Honestly, I think you would expect me to avoid anything labelled as "Double IPA" with an IBU of 80. (That's 80 bitter!) But I was willing to give it a shot. Shockingly, I rather enjoyed this one. It was bitter, granted, but there was also a nice balance there to go with the bitter. It was a little fuller than a normal IPA with a great citrus undertone to it. I really think I would drink this one if I were in the mood for an IPA, or hanging around IPA drinkers, or on a slow boat to India.

Rating: 7/10 (Which is great for an IPA from me)

7. Root Beer (0% ABV)
If there's root beer at a brewery, I'm gonna try it. I likes me some root beer, and I usually like it more at breweries (except Coopersmith's, their rootbeer tastes like a glass of licorice) . The rootbeer at LTB was very traditional. Think a Barq's or a Mugg flavoring without the syrupy sweetness. It had the mint, sasparilla and anise flavors that are expected in a root beer, and a very reasonable sweetness. It had a clean flavor and light finish.

Rating: 8/10

So that's that for Lone Tree Brewing Co. I really do encourage people to stop in there when they're in south Denver. The people alone make it worth the trip, but the beers are icing on the cake. They're also mixed metaphors.

Denver Beer Company Caleb's awesomer than J's take

So we venture forth into the Denver beer market. I have been living in Denver since late August, and while I do really like it, it does not have the personality of Fort Collins. In Fort Collins, pretty much everyone gathers in one area to drink, so it is easy to get a feel for what the town likes and for different shifts in the beer drinking populous. In Denver, there are more drinkers (though by no means more per capita) but they are spread out like the herpes sores on J's gentleman sausage. I had been to the Denver Beer Company before with my good friends Shannon and Brett Dilley (putting Shannon's name first is just for her). It was a marvelous time and I remembered enjoying several of their beers, particularly a chili stout which we all found amazing. I am not sure if it was the company that made it so good or the fact that they had the stout which they did not have when I went with J. Either way, I liked the brewery much more the first time I was there. On the plus side, J was not delayed by a traffic accident, so it must just be me that the beer gods hate. One big bonus for them was that they were the first company to offer us stickers to decorate our journals.

The Beers and company

Colorado Common 5.8% ABV
A very apt name in that it is a fairly common tasting beer. It had a bit of sourness to it and was a little hoppy. Not a lot going on. It's like the brewer was just looking for something that tasted beer-y to get the place going.

Rating 4/10

Big Bang Belgian Pale Ale 5.7% ABV
This beer started off right with me because I loves me some quality alliteration. It would have been better if they named it something like Big Bang Belgian Beer Baby Brontosaurus Buy By the Bushel, but they get points for trying. The smell of this beer was as fruity as a gay Edible Arraignments delivery driver. But a bit toasty smelling... I guess like the gay Edible Arraignments driver just ate some toast. It was refreshing and easy to drink and the smell carried through the flavor nicely. Good aftertaste as well. My favorite of the brewery.

Rating
8/10

Random Quote actually uttered by some lady on a cell phone near us. "Call me sometime when you're breast feeding!"

Graham Cracker Porter 5.9% ABV
Little side note, did you know that Graham Crackers were invented as a bland food to keep horny kids from jerking off? It's true! To spite them, I jerked off in J's beer when he was not looking.
As J ever so eloquently put it, this beer was roughly 9 times sweeter than sugar. It had some chocolate flavor to it as well, but it was pretty acidic. In that it ate through the table like Alien blood when it was spilled. That may not actually have happened. On a side note, I originally thought this was the Seat Teat Milk Stout and was even more disappointed because I really enjoy milk stouts. Once I realized the order was messed up, I was relieved and looked forward to the Milk Stout. Then I drank it.


Rating (for the Graham Cracker) 5/10


Sweat Teat milk Stout4.8% ABV
Very disappointed in this beer even though they used the word "Teat" which makes me think of boobs. Those that have had a really good milk stout from a place like Left Hand Brewing, know that they are a wonderful and smooth stout that are very easy to drink. This milk stout was none of those. It had a wierd almost cola like flavor to it and was much more brightly carbonated than a stout should be.
Boooo-urns

Rating 3/10

Smoked Lager 5.4% ABV The new leader in the clubhouse for bacon flavored beer. Step aside Z Lager
This beer with even a whiff, gave me the meat sweats. I am not sure what unholy union of smoked pigs belly and carbonated malt beverage created this, but I somewhat applaud them. The taste was surprisingly smooth and the bacon flavor remained at the back of my throat for a while. Never a bad thing. That being said, it was gimmicky and I could not drink a ton of it.

Rating 6/10

Barrel Age Stormy Winter Stout A whopping 9.6% ABV
The start of this beer had a strange almost green chili flavor to it. That faded quickly though and you were left with more of a wine taste after. Unlike that idiot J, I really like beer that is aged in barrels formally occupied by other booze. I think it makes for many interesting flavors and when put together like New Belgium does with La Folie, it can be breathtakingly good. This beer was somewhat good, but no where near as good as others in this ilk.

Rating 7/10

So that does it for our first day of Denver Breweries. My apologies for posting late, I had a busy weekend and then a shitty day yesterday so I could not summon my usual charming wit. We will be hitting some breweries in Longmont this weekend (I think). My usual beer this time of year is green going down and then green mixed with Irish food and too many Car Bombs when it comes back up. Happy act like a Mc day. I will raise a glass to you, loyal reader.

Denver Beer Company (Jason's Take)

Location: 1695 Platte St, Denver, CO

Website: denverbeerco.com

The Story:
We chose a fine summer's day to visit the Denver Beer co. Sure, that summer day happened to be in the middle of February, but it doesn't make it any less nice. Of course, we weren't the only ones with outdoor beer drinkin' on our minds. The place was packed, inside and out, with a wide variety of dogs, children and hipsters. Everyone but us there fell into one of those categories. And the hipsters were playing Scrabble. For God's sake, they were playing Scrabble on a picnic table at the bar! I wouldn't let it stop me, though. I would drink next to these hipsters if I had to be drunk to do it.

The Beers:

Cost: $7 for six 4oz. samples

1. Colorado Common (5.8% ABV)
This was only the first in a series of confusing beers. This schitzo beer smelled really malty, like malt-o-meal with a little extra malt added. But the taste wasn't very malty at all. The first part of the taste was a little like iced tea; light bitterness with a bright support. The finish, though, tasted like fresh squeezed ass. I really liked the first half of this beer, but the second half ruined it all.

Rating: 1/10

2. Smoked Lager (5.4% ABV)
In our review of Fort Collins Brewery, I talked about my interest in beer that tastes like bacon (Z Lager). But the Z has nothing on Smoked Lager when it comes to pure, unadulterated bacon taste. Again, the smell of this beer was completely misleading. It smelled like the worst kind of cat-pee IPA, but had none of that in the actual beer flavor. In fact, it tasted exactly like drinking a glass of bacon. Up until this beer, I was absolutely convinced that there was only one thing that tasted like bacon, and that's bacon. But oh how wrong I was. This was like they'd taken a regular lager and put a whole package of bacon in it. I don't know that I'd be able to drink a whole ton of this beer, but it may go nicely with some lettuce and tomato.

Rating: 7/10

3. Big Bang Belgian Pale Ale (5.7% ABV)
This was a very open beer. It had orange high notes balanced by a malty depth and small berry hints. This ale really filled the middle of my mouth, like I expect from a Belgian. Overall, it was a little heavy for a pale ale, but I thought it had nice balance and flavor.

Rating: 9/10

4. Graham Cracker Porter (5.9% ABV)
Let me be clear. I hate gimmick beers. I think it's the worst kind of pandering to people who want to be beer snobs by people who have no pride. Gimmick beers are the Brittany Spears of the beer world. They should be drug into the street and shot on site. Honestly, a graham cracker porter? Why not just lay on your back, put a keg on your junk, and stick your dick in the beer? You've already fucked it up anyway. (See what I did there?). Just thinking this would be a workable concept is worthy of a self-administered shot to the face. The fact that they actually make this on a regular basis and people buy it? I don't even know what to say. The beer itself tastes like a ground up Heath bar. It's sort of chocolate and sort of toffee, with eighty bazillion pounds of sugar added so that it gets that nice sickly, syrupy sweetness that all five-year-olds live in their breakfast cereal. The problem there is that this is not cereal, but beer, and is being served to full grown adults. This stuff was so sweet that I couldn't even finish the sampler for fear of getting diabetes and losing my foot.

Rating: 2/10

5. Sweet Teat Milk Stout (4.8% ABV)
I'm still undecided on the milk stout as a beer. I've had one great one, and a couple of mediocre ones. The Sweet Teat was in the second category. It's smooth but heavy. It's got the fullness that a stout should with very little bitterness on top. Drinking this, you'd have to go slow, though, and make sure to chew every bite thoroughly. If you chewed enough of it, though, this brew could certainly see you through a winter's night.

Rating: 7/10

6. Barrel aged Stormy Winter Stout (9.6% ABV)
Just on alcohol content, this is the heavy hitter in the DBC lineup. It's a regular stout that's aged in wine barrels to give it that, "I wasn't satisfied in just making good beer" feel. It's got the heavy stoutiness, accented with tannons from the wine barrels, which are definitely present in the flavor. However, I've never had a good beer that was aged in a barrel from another booze. The beer just gets overwhelmed with the other booze flavor. Whiskey barrel beer? Tastes like whiskey. Wine barrel beer? Tastes like wine. I don't have anything against the taste of wine, per say. Hell, I love a good Ripple as much as the next dirty, bearded guy that gets paid in sandwiches to fight down at the bus station, but if I'm drinking beer, I want it to taste like beer, damnit.

Rating 3/10

Special Art Criticism Section

First, let's have some criticism of blogger. I wrote a paragraph on the above statue, and blogger just decided to erase it in the time between writing it and the time that I posted it. Thanks, blogspot, I didn't really want to say all that stuff anyway.
This statue resides just around the corner from the DBC. Just look at this thing, will you? It's a giant pile of livers. Is this art? If so, is this art that belongs in public? Think about this, someone from the city of Denver was like, "We should get some art to put downtown near all the hipster bars and the mortuary with a big neon sign." And someone else responded, "You know, I know an artist that does these big piles of livers." And the first person (who, I assume, had been sniffing glue) said "LIVERS? Brilliant! We must have that!" Seriously, a big pile of livers isn't art, it's a cry for help. And the fact that the city paid for this pile of livers tells me that the "artist" is not getting the help he/she needs and is probably, right at this moment, telling someone in a pit "It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again."

Odell (not Odell's) 2-18-12 Caleb's review

So we move on from my favorite brewery on earth to a place that, even with it's Fort Collins roots, I have never really felt at home. Odell.. Fuck it, I'm calling it Odell's. Odell's to me has always wanted to be New Belgium, but never really got even close. They make a few amazing beers, but the also make a bunch of worthless swill. They continue to prosper though. Odell's is the place where the hipster Fort Collins beer drinker goes who thinks New Belgium is too mainstream. As usual, I will give you some of my history with this brewery. Cherish these moments, cause we are quickly going to boldly go where no Caleb has gone before.
When I first went to Odell's, it was much smaller than it is now. The place was never that crowded but 90 Shilling was starting to get some notice around town. One of the owners of Odell's had toured a lot of Europe and had brought back, what I thought to be, really cool souvenirs. Beer companies in Europe used to have promotions where they would hand out bar towels with their slogan on them when doing promotions at the bar. The owner had amassed a large collection of these and they used to hang above the tasting room. I thought it was a cool touch and it made me think about the influence European beers had on his creations. Sadly, those went away as the place grew. Now it's a huge place that seems bigger each time I go.
We arrived and after several minutes of berating some poor soul who simply wanted to get some exercise by (muffled laughter) rollerblading to the brewery and then chaining them to the bike rack (see included picture and further humiliation in J's review), we ventured inside. I think I was nice enough to say something to the extent of "If we hate the brewery, we can always use the rollerblade picture as a metaphor for the type of people who come here". Not that we were prejudging or anything. What immediately bothers me about Odell's, is that the line you wait in to get your beer is smack dab next to all their merchandise. It reminds me of museum tours where they make you exit through the gift shop (good movie by the way), before leaving. My first note of the day says "Confusingly long line, why is this place have so many people?"
As J said, I got the Pilot Tray, he got the Standard Tray and we split the samplers. I set fire to the rims of all the glasses that J drank out of to avoid his boy cooties.

The O'Beers (see what I did there?)

Town Pump Ale 5.1% ABV
This is the whole reason I got this tray. There are two bars that I truly love in Fort Collins, The Trailhead and The Town Pump. Both are great places and I have had some of the best times of my life in them. The Town Pump is the oldest bar in Fort Collins and was a speakeasy during prohibition. It's tiny and only accepts cash and they soak various fruits in everclear that will knock you on your ass. This whole review makes me think of one of my favorite people, Vania, her of the wondrous knockers, and of times spent there with her. Smile. Anyway, back to the beer. This beer was a bit strange. I liked it but the flavor fades and ends on a somewhat different note than it started. It starts a bit hoppy but that flavor quickly goes away and the ending is more traditional ale in flavor. Good beer, not as good as the bar.

Rating: 8/10

Odell Red 6.5% ABV
As J said, upon reading over my first few reviews I had on at least two occasions started a review of a red with "I don't normally like red beers, but this one..." I was going to change my opinion on a whole class of beers if this one was good. But it was not. It has a smoky hops flavor to it. like they were going to make a subtle IPA but they burnt the hops somewhere in the process and then threw in some red coloring to cover the mess.

Rating: 4/10

First Random Quote- "There was a drunk baby" Don't really remember why I wrote this.

Helios IPA 6.7% ABV
I liked this IPA. It seemed a bit more like a cloudy wheat or a hefeweizen. There was not a lot of hops in the beer and unlike most IPA's, I could take more than a tiny sip at a time. Not a great IPA, but I would drink it again.

Rating 6/10

Cruise Control 5.8% ABV
I immediately dubbed this "The no-smell beer". Both J and I spent a minute or two trying to get some sort of odor preview of this beer, risking snorting the beer up our nose, but we got nothing. It's like they were going for a 1554 type flavor but pussed out. Actually some flavor despite the lack of smell.

Rating 5/10

(sigh) Black-ale-licious 4.3% ABV
Ok, to all future breweries. We get it. It's a play on words. You're quite the clever chaps. Now knock it the fuck off. I was immediately suspicious of this beer for two reasons. First- The stupid name. Second-If you read the description for this beer, it says that it is "Billy Dee Williams smooth". As much as I hate the dumb name, this boast pissed me off even more. Us people who remember the 80's know that there is only one thing that Billy Dee will drink.
This was actually not a bad beer, but holy hell, fuckin ease up on the promotion Odell. I will give it points though for sparking a lively conversation with J about Billy Dee and how now that Lando is a long fucking time ago, he would actually endorse this beer now that he is old and sad. My friend Victoria threatened to disown me if I rated this beer poorly so this is for her.

Had it not been so boastful, Rating: 7/10 Actual Rating: 5/10

Nitro Cutthroat Porter 4.8% ABV
After a somewhat mediocre tray, this was a great finish. A great porter and probably my favorite porter so far. Very smooth flavor with a nice caramel and malt flavor. Nice finish with a hint of chocolate. Best beer of the tray.

Rating: 9/10

On to the standard tray.

Easy Street Wheat 4.6% ABV
This beer is the reason I never mind when people want to go to Odell's. Usually when I go, I avoid the samplers and simply get a pint or three of Easy Street. Easily their best beer and I (prepare yourselves) actually prefer this wheat to Sunshine. It is unfiltered which I love. Great subtle fruit and brightness to it. Why can't more of their beers be this good?

Rating: 10/10

Levity 5.1% ABV
This beer neither gave me a lightness of mind and character nor a lightness in weight. It has a nice crispness to it, but it is fairly unremarkable. Not a lot going on for flavor or aftertaste.

Rating: 5/10

5 Barrel Pale Ale 5.2% ABV
I initially liked this beer when it was first released. I am not sure why now. It is somewhat hoppy and bitter. Like a baby IPA that has not grown up. It finishes poorly and my mouth felt a bit dry after.

Rating: 4/10

90 Shilling 5.3% ABV
I looked up shillings to see what they were valued at in their time. Turns out they were 1/20th of a pound. So 1 shilling is equal to 1 of our nickles. Let me get my calculator out... (7 hours later) that means that 90 shillings would be $4.50. That is roughly what a pint of this will go for. Nicely done. I am not a huge 90 Shilling fan, but I do like the beer. It has nice caramel undertones and a nice aftertaste. Not the most remarkable beer in the world, but I finished the sample and enjoyed it.

Rating: 7/10

Rocky mountain IPA 7% ABV
Fuck this shitty beer. Terrible IPA. I'm fairly certain that hops are now an endangered species, because they all got crammed into this one glass of "beer". If you have read J's blog, he took a picture of the sampler after he had consumed all that he could handle. I did the same. The following is what was left after we had both had enough of the 4oz sampler.

Terrible. Not as bad as the IPA at Fort Collins Brewery, but pretty bad.

Rating: .02/10

Cutthroat Porter 4.8% ABV
Thank god there was a good beer to finish. This is a great porter as well. Not quite as good as it's nitro version though. This tasted a bit more bitter and was not as smooth as the nitro. Still a great beer and a nice finish.

Rating 8/10

So that does it, at least for a few weeks, for the breweries in Fort Collins. We will be reviewing some Denver Breweries over the next few weeks. When we know where we are going next, we will post the details. Thanks, as always, for reading. We'll try and do better next time. Goodnight Canada.

Odell Brewing Co. (Jason's take)

Location: 800 East Lincoln Avenue Fort Collins, CO

Website: odellbrewing.com

Cost: $4 for six 4 oz. samples on the Classic Tray or the Pilot Tray. $8 for the same on a Co-Pilot tray (which we didn't get). The brewery doesn't keep the $4 per say. You can drop it in a box to donate to charity (a different charity every month) or you can use it to get $4 off merchandise worth $10 or more.

The Story:
The first thing you need to know is that this place is called Odell brewing. It's not Odell's, as I'd always thought it was. I always refer to this place as a possessive, but that is apparently incorrect. So, it's Odell. I think I can work with that. The second thing you need to know is this picture:

 That, my friends, is a pair of rollerblades chained to a bike rack. Upon entering the brewery, it was obvious to both Caleb and myself that some leftover from the early 90s had rollerbladed to the brewery with a lock over their arm and then, prior to going in, sat down, changed their shoes and locked their rollerblades to the bike rack. Realize, reader, that all of these had to be the result of conscious decisions. You don't ACCIDENTALLY rollerblade a decade and a half after it's out of style. You don't ACCIDENTALLY carry your lock with you. And you don't ACCIDENTALLY lock your rollerblades to a bike rack. That means there is someone out there, God help us, that would intentionally do all of these things. What sort of half-human, half-hipster monster are we dealing with here? The overwhelming fear of what we would find inside could not keep us from the beer. Nor could the fear that the beer would be mediocre, as it has generally been on previous visits. Nor could the questions of why didn't the person just take the rollerblades in with them. Really, if you're not embarrassed to be seen riding rollerblades, why draw the line at carrying them into a public place. You've already done the worst thing you could with them. I am, of course, assuming that anyone who owned rollerblades in this day and age had obviously beaten a hooker to death with them. Honestly, if you're chaining your blades to a bike rack, what atrocity WON'T you commit? None. The answer is none.

Even knowing that some sort of Heart of Darkness like horror may wait for us inside, we were undaunted in entering. But then, THE HORROR!, there was a line. I know, you're thinking "First world problems", but you should have seen this line. We had to wait, like, 10 whole minutes to order our beer. Then some lady got all elbowey on me and made me spill a little of mine before I got to my seat. Curse you, elbow lady! We got one pilot tray and one classic tray and we drank half of each beer. So, below, there will be 12 beers reviewed. Buckle up, buttercup.

The Beers:

Classic Tray

1. Easy Street Wheat (4.6% ABV)

This is a very grainy, but light unfiltered wheat beer. It's cloudy in color and flavor, with a little tart bitterness on the finish. It starts big, but fades well. It's a full wheat that's unapologetic about being itself, like a teenager who's kind of a dick, only it doesn't make you want to gouge your eyes out.

Rating: 8/10

2. Levity Amber Ale (5.1% ABV)

This is just a boring beer. It's not great, it's not terrible, but it certainly tastes like beer. I have nothing positive or negative to say about this one.

Rating: 5/10

3. 5 Barrel Pale Ale (5.2% ABV)

If this were an IPA, I would judge it pretty well. But, for a standard pale ale, it's incredibly hoppy. At this point, Caleb and I had a discussion about hoppy beers and if brewers were just being dicks or not. The final take-away I had from that conversation was that there are people who claim to like only the taste of hops in their beer and the brewers are catering to the market. That way, beer snobs can drink something no one else will like and brewers get to continue taking money from beer snobs.

Rating: 3/10

4. 90 Shilling Ale (5.3% ABV)

I know people who love 90 Shilling, but I just don't get it. I've never seen the charm in this beer. It, like Levity, is just a beer that tastes like beer. Sure, I could drink it if it were provided to me, but I don't see any reason to purchase this beer unless it was a choice between it and Corona. Overall, I found this ale to be fairly meaty with some cirtusy overtones, but I had to look hard for those. It was, all in all, just very boring.

Rating: 3/10

5. Rocky Mountain IPA (7% ABV)

Here's my "after" picture with the classic tray, after I'd sampled all the beers:

Note the level on the IPA. I may have drunk 1/2 oz of this swill, and that was a half ounce too many. I have never actually tasted cat piss in my life, but I've smelled it. Based on that smell alone, this beer tastes exactly like cat piss and may be as close as I ever come to drinking the actual thing myself.

Rating: 0/10

6. Cutthroat Porter (5.1% ABV)

This was an excellent porter. It tastes of nuts, toffee and coffee. It actually tastes a lot like cold brewed coffee, which is something I enjoy a great deal. I will buy a sixer of this the next time I'm at the liquor store.

Rating: 10/10

Pilot Tray

7. Town Pump Pale Ale (5.1% ABV)

For those not in the know, the Town Pump is a bar that was built around the time of the fall of the Roman Empire. The place holds 1 1/2 people and only takes cash for beer. You can also get pickled eggs there, so it's got that going for it. Odell brews this ale specifically for the Town Pump. I don't know how closely the owners of the Pump consulted with Odell and if this was a requested beer or just another in a line of boring brews, but the only real impression I had of this was, "Yup, that's an ale". There are hints of smoke here and some tangyness, but there's a whole bunch of boring.

Rating: 5/10

8. Odell Red (6.5% ABV)

Caleb told me, before drinking this, that he'd thought he was not a fan of reds, but the other reds we'd tried up to this point were starting to convince him otherwise. But then, this beer made all that come crumbling down. I don't think it was a good example of a red. It was much too hoppy, and didn't have that, you know, "red" taste.

Rating 2/10

9. Helios IPA (6.7% ABV)

As expected, this IPA was very hoppy on the first swallow, but it didn't taste like cat piss, so I kept going. But subsequent drinks finished grainy, full and a little cirtusy. I don't know that I'd get this for myself, but I'd certainly drink it if it were around.

Rating: 7/10

10. Cruise Control Dark Lager (5.8% ABV)

I think they called this one Cruise Control because you can just set it down and take a nap. This was yet another boring Odell beer, and I have nothing worth saying about it.

Rating: 4/10

11. Black-Ale-Licious (4.3% ABV)

Sigh. Take one boring beer (90 Shilling) and then pour coffee into it. That's this beer. I would really rather have just the coffee at this point.

Rating: 3/10

12. Cutthroat Porter Nitro (4.8% ABV)

My reaction to this beer was, and I quote, "Coffee addicted hipster angels just shat in my mouth and I wanted more. Maybe the best porter possible. Just fucking dyn-o-mite." I don't understand how Odell does this. They make boring, more boring, then terrible beers and also make this porter which, when put on nitro, is the best thing this side of a vajayjay. I guess it doesn't matter how or why they do it, as long as they keep making this ambrosia, I will go to Odell and buy it.

Rating: 10/10

So, there you have it. Another brewery down, an IPA kind of liked, and shitting hipster angels. Also, the psycho with the rollerblades didn't kill us, so that was nice. Questions, comments or suggestions can go in the comments.