Oskar Blues. The finest Brewery that is not in Fort Collins

So J and I went to Oskar Blues Brewery on March 16th 2012.  Now you may be asking yourself why it has taken so long for me to put up my post on said trip.  The easy answer, is that I saved a busload of children from plummeting to their certain death by using my freakish strength to lift and throw the burning (did I mention that the bus was Burning?  It was burning.) bus away from the precipice.  In doing so, I quite badly burned the tips of all my typing fingers and could therefor not complete my post.  The truthful answer is: I'm slow and unmotivated at times.  I will endeavor to complete my tasks in a more timely fashion so I don't have to deal with the daily cries of frustration from my brew writing audience all yearning to lay their eyes on my eloquently hilarious dick jokes and occasional beer reviews.

The Tour
As J pointed out, I showed considerable foresight in preparing for this trip to Longmont (city slogan: We may suck, but at least there is good beer to help you forget).  I notified a nice young man named Garret a full 2 hours or so before we were going to head to his tasting Room.  While the dickbags at Left Hand and  Pumphouse did not respond, I heard back from Garret right away (5 bonus points).  He said that he would set up a private tour for us and told us to come by whenever.  Upon arrival, we were immediately asked if we would like a beer.  The lovely bar wench (that may be incorrect nomenclature) hinted strongly that we should try the Vanilla Oak Aged Chub.  Holy mother of fuck.  I will review this beer more later, but my exact first notes read as follows:  FUCK!!!! AMAZING!!!  It is remarkable that they gave us this beer for free because later on, J purchased 2 growlers of the elixir and I am fairly certain he put a 2nd, third, and fourth mortgage on his house to pay for them.  After a few free beers, we were introduced to Nate, who is one of the brewers.  Nate enjoys his work.  Nate enjoys his work more than a professor at the Learn To Give Better Blow Jobs Institute (shut up, I know it exists somewhere.  How else did J's mom get so good?).  Nate was quite enthusiastic about showing us the brewery and telling us about his job which made the experience all the better.  It was easily the best and most informative tour I have ever taken.   First, there were many shiny containers.

I assume there was some sort of beer in them.  Either that, or the most cleverly disguised meth operation in the world.  J and I asked Nate why in Gods holy name (which I assume is "God", it would be weird if his name was Ralph or something) so many IPAs tasted like flowery, bitter, cat pee.  He was actually informative about this and said that the flavor of hops is adapted to by our mouths so that brewers, who obviously are tasting hops quite a bit, are trying to get the same flavor in their mouths that they used to.  Apparently hops are like crack and brewers are dying for that first flowery hit.  So what tastes somewhat normal to them, comes off as worthless shit-water to normal people.  So to all you people out there that say we hate all IPAs (Jeremy Woodhams), it is clearly not our fault.  After walking around for a bit, he took us to my favorite room in the entire universe: The Cooler.  You know the scene in Half Baked when Thurgood walks in to the room that has all the weed stored and cums in his pants?  Well I did not do that, but only because I was with J and seeing him makes me not want to have sex until I can forget his face.  This usually takes 3-5 business days.  Take a look at it's splendor.

Good lord, that much beer could keep me busy for upwards of 9 days.  The other great part of this room is this is where they keep all the beers that get kicked off the canning line.  Their canning line is insane and there is a section that measures the amount of beer down to the trillionth of an ounce (that may not be right).  If a beer does not have enough in it, it gets kicked off and brought here to be given to the employees.  Nate, being the generous kind soul that he is, told us grab a few free beers if we wanted.  We were happy to comply with this request.  By now, I had already been to Lefthand and had a few beers in the tasting room and then had beers on the tour and was starting in on my first can of kicked off beer.  The rest of the tour has faded from my memory.  I remember seeing the canning line, hearing many wonderful facts about the brewery, and taking pictures with a random group of Asian people in the tasting room.  It a good thing I could still compose myself enough to write down my thoughts on the beer.
The Oskar Beers  (get it? Cause it's blue?)

 Dales Pale Ale  6.5% ABV
I fricken love this beer.  It is a bit hoppy but it is balanced so nicely that I really enjoy the flavor.  It has a very complex taste in your mouth and a almost bitter sweet aftertaste.  Dale certainly knew what he was doing with this one.  This beer first came to my attention when my cousin Amy's husband Thad asked me to send him out some to Nebraska with his inlaws because Nebraska sucks (duh) and does not get good beer.

Rating: 10/10

Mamma's little Yella Pils 6.5% ABV
I really like Pilsners.  I think I have said that before.  One thing I really like about them is that they do not usually sway to far from a traditional Pilsner flavor.  This beer proves all that wrong.  There is some classic Pilsner flavor but there is a bit more hops in the flavor and smell than normal.  It is a smooth easy drinker that I love despite it's deviation from the norm.

Rating: 8/10

First Random Quote: "Love places you can bring dogs.  Spiced peanuts"  No clue why those two thoughts were written together.

G'night Imperial Red 8.7% ABV
So I think I have officially become a red beer fan.  This beer was awesome and anyone who contributes to this blog and is named Jason and does not like this beer, is an idiot.  Best Red i have ever had.  It has an almost sweet smell and a hoppy taste and finish.  It is a very smooth and easy drinker though.  I could have lots and lots of this beer.

Rating: 10/10

Dry hoped Deviant Dales Pale Ale 8% ABV
This was the kicked off the canning line beer.  I carefully selected this beer based on it being in a larger can than the other free beers.  I am not sure what using dry hopps does to a beer as opposed to fresh ones.  Either way, this tasted like an ramped up Dales Pale Ale, which is probably what they were going for.  I did enjoy it, but the hops were a bit much.  As a bonus, J asked me to hold his can for him (gross), and I never gave it back to him later  MUahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Rating: 6/10

Gubna Imperial Ale 10% ABV
I think breweries are starting to make imperial beers as sort of a pissing contest wit one another.  One brewery makes a 9.7% so another makes a 10%.  Sooner or later we are going to end up with an Everclear beer.  I will say that this was a pretty good beer though.  It was fairly  malty with some bitter undertones.  Pleasant aftertaste and a nice subdues carbonation.

Rating: 7/10

Old Chub Scotch Ale 8%
Before I had ever tried this beer I thought it was funny because my friend Kim is married to a slightly older fella named Jim.  So we used to call his penis Old Chub.  We are quite hilarious and mature.  I am glad I decided to use this beer for more than obvious dick jokes though.  This is an amazing beer.  When I first tried it, I must have been delirious because I did not care for it.  I was an idiot, this beer rocks.

Rating: 10/10

Tenfidy Stout 10.5% ABV
Classic Stout flavor and carbonation.  Hints of chocolate.  Everything you would expect from a good stout.  Not overwhelmingly good, but a strong and drinkable stout.  Well done but it gets lost in a lot of other stouts I have had that taste a lot like it.

Rating: 6/10

Vanilla Oak Aged Chub
If I gave the Old Chub a 10/10, what do I do with this?  I can't easily put into words how amazing this beer was.  It is easily the best beer I have ever had.  For the amount i have sampled, to have a beer that far and away stands above the rest is pretty remarkable.  Whoever invented this beer should have, at minimum, a statue put in front of every brewery in the USA.  Fuck me sideways, this one was brilliant.

Rating: 104/10  (104!) (only J will get that joke so don't feel bad)

So that does it for Oskar Blues.  They have had the highest average score of any brewery I have reviewed.  I said earlier that I was looking for a place that could compete with New Belgium and I found it.  I still like New Belgium better, but Oskar Blues and their awesome staff have let me know that there are other great places out there.  My next review will come more quickly, I swear it will be done.
Stay Classy San Diego