Left Hand Brewery. Caleb's take.

So we move on to the Longmont Breweries. Longmont has always had a special place in my heart because it was always a town that would mark the point in my journey to Boulder where I would take my ecstasy so I would be rolling by the time I got to the Root. Ah memories... or lack there of. Despite some quality beers, I have had a fairly stupid grudge against Left Hand Brewing Company for two fairly stupid reasons.
Reason the First-The Logo
To me, this logo has always either needed fingernails, or palm lines. I understand the minimalist thing, but this could clearly be either a left or right hand depending on the point of view.
Reason the Second- I have never been a "switch hitter" if you catch my semen infused drift. I don't trust lefties. Never have, never will.

Random Left Hand Fact #1- 15% of people are left-handed, males are twice as likely to be left-handed.

This was not a favorite brewery (despite my love of Milk Stout). The guy who took our order was kind of dickish and said he would look for stickers and then promptly forgot about us. Unlike the wonderful people at Oskar Blues (review next week). They did not respond to my email and have not since responded in the weeks tat passed. It's a good thing they have some good beers though.

Random Quote- "Fucking cunt brought delicious looking cupcakes and did not share" I said this after a lady at the table next to us brought a massive tray of cupcakes but did not share with the rest of the class.

In the spirit of the beers being reviewed
Left Hand Fact #2- left-handed people are three times as likely to become alcoholics.

400 Pound Monkey 6.8% ABV
Drawing upon my extensive watching of National Geographic videos that my grade school teachers put on when they were presumably too hung over to teach. I believed that there was no way a monkey could get to 400 pounds. An ape, sure. But no monkey. After pointlessly arguing this with J, I promptly forgot about it until now. Give me a second and I will see if I am an idiot or if J is an even bigger idiot than I had previously thought. Ah HAAAAAAAA. According to National Geographic's website, Howler Monkeys are the largest species of monkey and only get to around 22 pounds. 400 pound monkey my ass. The beer was pretty darn good though. A nice floral smell and a subtle fruity flavor. Not an overwhelming IPA. Good start to the tasting. Suck it J, suck it.

Rating: 8/10

Polestar Pilsner 5% ABV
I have become a fan of pilsners over the years. Besides the three day binge of drunken behavior, a good pilsner is a major reason for wanting to go to Germany for October Fest. The Left Hand pilsner did not disappoint. It was not a "wow" but pilsners seldom are. They are just good beers. This smelled and tasted like Germany, without all the shit-porn and old American bomb remnants.

Rating: 7/10

Random Left hand fact #3- Left-Handers reach puberty an average of 3-4 months after right-handers.

Fade To Black porter 7.2% ABV 1,984 Scoville Scale rating.
I'm not sure why they included the scoville units on this beer. The chili flavor last long enough for you to start to make a comment about it and before the words can leave your mouth, it's gone. This feels like a gimicky beer. Disappointing.

Rating: 5/10

Milk Stout 5.9% ABV (or I I like to call it, The Reason Left Hand Exists Beer)
I have been a HUGE Milk Stout fan for years. This is easily their best beer and it is in my top 5 of all time favorite beers. I went to Ft. Collins last weekend and was very happy when two of my good friends Leah Grossman and Erica Mather ordered a Milk Stout before I even advised them to. It is a very smooth and creamy stout. The flavors are subdued but balance very nicely. They do not over carbonate it so it goes down smoother than J's mom on a fireman's pole (levels to that joke). If you have not had it, go get one. Best stout I have had so far.

Rating: 10/10

Random Left Hand Fact #4- 3 of the last 5 presidents have been left-handed

Wake Up Dead Russian Imperial Stout 10.2% ABV Yowza!
This beer made me drunk just smelling it. I think they had to have a massive quantity of alcohol in this beer so Russians would confuse it for vodka. This had a licorice flavor to it that was not at all appealing. It was very bitter and harsh. I have no idea why they released this beer. It's like they made it and someone tried it and remarked that it was bad enough to "Wake up the Dead" and they could not let a good name pass. I'm fairly certain they called it Russian Imperial Stout because no one actually knows what Russian beer tastes like.

Rating: 3/10

Smoke Jumper Smoked Imperial Ale
As J pointed out, this beer clearly wished it was an Oscar Mayer wiener . That is what it truly would like to be. For if it was an Oscar Mayer Wiener, everyone would just eat it and not drink the fucking thing (kinda screwed up the rhythm to the song). This beer tasted like a New York hot dog vender poured his 5 day old left over hot dog water into the mixing tank. There are some beer flavors, but in the end, all you taste is lips and assholes. What further confused me was the name. Really? Smoke Jumper Ale? If there is one thing that I think people should do before hurling their bodies out of a plane and parachuting over a burning forest to then land and fight the fire, it's drink a lot of beer. Morons.

Rating: Kobayashi/10 (look it up if you don't get the joke)

So that does it for Left Hand. The leader in the clubhouse for hot dog flavored beer. Fairly disapointed in them because I love the Milk Stout so. Oh well. Next week, we review what is actually becoming my favorite brewery in Colorado... maybe not favorite, but it is giving New Belgium a run for their money. Oskar Blues. Easily our best tour and tasting yet. We will keep everyone updated as to our future travels. For now, take care of yourself, and each other.